Rebuilding Family Relationships

All families have those stories that cause hard feelings. Your sister called you a name, your brother made bad choices again, your mom clearly had a favorite, or your dad’s family is judging him for being divorced – these are all stories.  Yes, they cause you to have feelings.  But to be honest, they are just feelings. It’s okay to have feelings and it’s okay to be upset.  However, don’t pack your bag and live there or you will be lonely and miserable.

 4 Tips for Reuilding

Healthier Family Relationships 

1.      Forgiveness – I know, the whole situation was their fault and you will not forgive them!  Why should you have to take the blame once again?  You are so tired of being the bigger person and want them to finally be held accountable for the things they do and say!

Listen to this carefully…forgiveness is to help you move on - not to excuse their behavior!  Did you hear that?  Forgiveness is about you and your mental health.  When you hold on to anger, it creates stress in your body.  The stress can become so strong that it affects your health, both mentally and physically.  When you forgive someone else, it takes the stress away and you have room to focus on what really matters in your life.  Forgiveness does not mean that you agree with their words or behavior.  If they are wrong, that’s their lesson to learn.  Just be happy that you are free from all that stress!

 2.      Boundaries – Does your aunt call you every night while you’re in bed?  Does your sister show up to your house at the worst times?  Does your family expect you to drop everything to take care of them no matter what you have on your plate?  Do you give advice to new moms even when they don’t ask?  Do you feel like the maid in your own home?  What can you do? The answer to all of these problems is to learn to set and respect boundaries.. 

What is a boundary?  A boundary is taking full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions while not taking responsibility of the emotions and actions of others.  Yes, that’ right! You are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, or actions of another person!  You are only responsible for yourself. 

Here are a few things to remember when talking about boundaries:

a.      Setting boundaries – Remember that you cannot control other people.  You don’t get to tell them what they should or should not be doing.  You can only control yourself.  That being said, what you CAN do is tell them what will happen if they don’t respect you boundary and follow through.   

Example:  You ask your son to carry the laundry to the laundry room.  You tell him you expect him to do that every day.  You put the basket in front of his bedroom door so that he remembers, but he steps over the basket and walks down the stairs empty handed. 

What not to do:  Get angry and tell him that he should be helping you.  Yelling is not going to help and making him angry will only make thing worse.  You cannot control him.  By stepping over the basket he was telling you that his boundary has been set.  He is not carrying that basket right now. 

What’s okay to do:  Respect the fact that he couldn’t carry that basket.  Maybe he isn’t feeling well.  Whatever his reasons, he didn’t do it.  But that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences to those actions.  You could set a boundary of your own.  You could tell him that these clothes need to be in the laundry room by this day at this time or they aren’t going to be washed.  This gives him a clear, concise boundary with a deadline and he knows what the consequences will be.  If the clothes are not in the laundry room by the deadline, you have to follow through with the consequences.  He will either have dirty clothes or he will have to wash them himself when you are done doing laundry for the day.

Make sure you are clear on your boundaries and your consequences.  Be consistent.  It’s important to spell out the behavior you will and will not put up with. 

b.       Respecting boundaries – As I said above, you cannot control other people.  Be aware that your actions may be crossing their lines. Figure out a way to respect their boundaries.  It’s important that you remember not to “should” on them.  This means that you don’t get to tell them what they should and should not be doing with their life. 

Example:  Your aunt works at 4:00 a.m. every day and has to go to bed after supper.  You call her at 7:00 p.m. and she tells you she can’t talk because she is getting ready for bed.  She set the boundary and gave you a consequence of ending the conversation and hanging up.  A few nights later you remember something you really wanted to tell her.  What do you do?

You could call her and hope she isn’t in bed yet.  You could text her and hope her notifications are off.  Or you could write down what you wanted to say and send her a text to call after work.  Which do you think is the most appropriate?  Well, the answer really depends on how urgent the message is.  If this is something important that she has to know right now, use your judgement.  Otherwise, respect those boundaries and wait until tomorrow. 

 If you were the aunt, what would you do if they kept crossing your boundaries?  You need your sleep for work and they just want to chat.  Well, you could put your phone on airplane mode, change it to do not disturb, or turn your phone off at a certain time.  Sometimes setting boundaries involves changing your own behavior – especially if they keep overstepping your boundaries!

3.      Communication – Most family disagreements start because of a misunderstanding.  It’s important to remember that just because you heard a comment doesn’t mean that’s the whole storway it was meant.  If you get upset about what you heard without finding out if that was what they meant, it could cause all sorts of problems. 

a.      Discuss it – A few tips to remember if when discussing issues with anyone:

1.       If you hear something that you didn’t like, calmly ask the person about what they said.

2.       Do not accuse them of anything. 

3.       Use “I” instead of “you” phrases. 

4.       Don’t use words like “always” or “never.”

5.       A discussion involves both talking and listening.

b.      Listen – Listen to hear not to reply.  Pay attention to what they’re saying.  Otherwise you could be starting a whole new misunderstanding and that defeats the purpose of have a conversation in the first place.  Tips to help you remember to listen:

1.      Let them finish talking before you reply.

2.      Look at their eyes when they’re talking to you.

3.      Use phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…” and “Is that what you meant?”

4.      When they are done speaking, ask them what they think could be done about the problem.  This could open a dialogue to find a solution together.

Listening is an important part of the conversation.  It shows them that you are serious about fixing the issue and that you care about what they think.

4.      Respect – Respect is a hard thing when you’re already upset with someone.   This isn’t the time to play the blame game.  Treat them the way you want to be treated.  Try to see their side of the issue and either come to a mutual solution or figure out a way to move past it. 

Another aspect of respect is to remember to lift people up instead of tearing them down.  Don’t talk badly about them, talk to them instead.  Don’t involve other people in your disagreement - this includes children.  None of this is their business or their responsibility – leave them out of it. 

When the argument goes on, it makes the entire family uncomfortable.  They feel like they have to choose sides.  Sometimes entire feuds erupt and last for generations over a misunderstanding that should have been handled by the two people that started it. 

Don’t lose time with your family.  Make amends. Find peace. Share memories. Choose to rebuild your family relationships!